And the Last Shall Be First.
When you are last to finish, you are the final choice. When the last swimmer touches the wall, they are the final finisher. Final. Finisher. Both start with the Latin root word, ‘fin,’ as in ‘boundary’ or ‘limit.’ The word infinite, therefore, means something that has no end. Now, the word ‘last’ can be an adverb, such as ‘after everything else.’ Last can be an adjective such as ‘least preferable.’ Or it can be a verb, such as in ‘to perform, endure, to continue over time, or to hold out’—similar to ‘everlasting.’ This is good information to know.
Just writing those definitions made me slightly melancholy when I consider how everlasting I’ve been, but how little I’ve regarded myself over time. Many do it –both women and men. Disregard ourselves, that is. But most women impulsively or automatically do it until they are shaken awake (hopefully) with a new dream of themselves and how they could be. We drive soccer carpools. We hit the timer at our kid’s swim meets. We coach third base at T-Ball. We make sure our parents get to their doctor’s appointments and monitor their health and wellbeing. We plan, shop, cook, organize, clean, care, work, study, share, lend, launder, promote, root, cheer, encourage, listen, comfort, schedule, errand, budget, pay, nurse, strategize, negotiate, persuade, secure, put everyone to bed, stay up late, get up early, wake everyone up, feed everyone, and push them out the door.
Even as our stages in life change or differ, it seems that women, in particular, have a reputation of putting themselves dead last. Most people hate being last. We make a stink about it in restaurants. I’ve seen people almost come to blows if someone accidently cuts them in line. People verbally complain to each other in department stores when the lines are too long. At the doctor’s office, people are always suspicious if someone who arrived after them gets called back before they do. Folks nowadays will text with one hand and give you the finger with the other one if you try to merge into their lane during traffic. There is just something about others getting ahead of us that drives us bonkers.
So how astonishing is it that we will lay out every ounce of our strength in service to others before even remembering to serve ourselves? How remarkable is it that people know more about their car’s alternator and cannot tell you the location of their own spleen? I told Tracey to shut up. I told her that she was disrespectful and could not be trusted. And when she decided she was actually going to treat herself the way she kept going on and on about, then we could talk. Otherwise, shut up.
We’ve all heard, “put the oxygen mask on yourself first before trying to assist others.” Blah, blah, blah. We just hold our breath and then medicate ourselves with the smorgasbord of pharmacopeia and alcoholia and whatever else we can get our hands on in order to numb and blur the pain. I’ll tell you what. Our souls are not happy with our mess. With our disregard for self, for being uncaring, incomplete, malnourished, uncultured, and sometimes uncivilized in our own personal community. With allowing others to worry us or take advantage of us. Many of the ‘others’ will still be walking around enjoying the planet after our name is engraved into a stone or onto an urn. No, our souls are not happy with this behavior.
So after a long, long time, and at long last, I got shaken awake with a new dream about what I could be –how I could live. How I could, turned into ‘I think I should.’ And I started taking steps to win myself over –to win my trust. (I say win my trust vs regain it because sadly, I don’t honestly think I ever made the choice backed with action, reinforced with faith, to live up to what I was designed for and sent to earth to do.) I began trusting that I could treat myself well. That I wouldn’t run on fumes. That I would actually take my vitamins instead of looking at them on the shelf. That I would move my body every single day of my life. Put my feet on the earth. My hands in the dirt. Give myself the best foods. Get enough rest. Stop working like a dog. Stop feeding other’s dreams without providing nourishment for my own. And oooo weeee! It. Takes. Time.
Don’t fool yourself thinking you can put yourself first overnight. And don’t think you are going to trust yourself to continue what you start, right off the bat. Re-aligning yourself into your life is a morphing, transitional piece of magic. And once you begin feeding yourself first, you won’t want to stop. You will bring a better version of you into every relationship and situation. And you will be better equipped in every way. Sometimes, you have to just sit down, shut up, and listen—to yourself! If you want to last, to endure, and win, then it begins with removing yourself from the last and final slot on your to-do list. Tell yourself that you’re about to be like George and Weezy Jefferson and move on up. The last shall be first, baby!
So, how does it feel to put yourself last?
How long will you being last, last?
What are you going to do about it?
Love and Peace,
Tracey Alexandria Lynch